I feel numb
As my mind goes haywire
I try to comprehend its essence.
But I fail.
I fail again,
again and again.
I fail to understand myself.

What do I want?
How should I react?

In a box of my emotions
I am trapped,
I am encaged.
Prisoner to my own thoughts.

Keep it in
Don’t let it out.
I tell myself every day
Suppress
Don’t show
Spread positivity
Not sorrow and hate.

I am not afraid of thee
The one to fear is me.
Consumed by it
I do things,
Breaking me,
Breaking them.

I think, think, think
Do I love or do I lust?
I begin to trust.
It’s dangerous!
Push them away,
Push everyone away.


I need to fix it,
What do I do?
It feels wrong.
I don’t want it.
I’m confused.
It hurts to hurt.
But I think it’s right.
So I do it,
Over and over.
Only hoping,
Constantly praying,
That it works out for the better.

Within myself, I try to solve a puzzle,
It’s a mental catastrophe of the highest order.
What?
Who?
When?
Where?
How?

I’m not messed up,
It’s not complicated.
I’m NOT messed up,
It’s NOT complicated.

Repeat, repeat, and repeat,
Ingrain it in my skull,
Say it again,
I’m not messed up,
It’s not complicated.
I say it, I say it and I keep saying it,
Until I start believing it.

-Oishika Hota