How Long?

I was looking back at the past, the very beginning and reminiscing.
How long until I let go and move on?
How long until I get freed of the shackles that bind me from head to toe?How long until I free my mind and shake off all the thoughts that bind me to my past?

I’m trying.

Trying so hard to shake it off, all the memories, all the moments.
But how long, how long before I give up?
How long before I succumb to the negativity?
How long before I lose faith in everything I once believed in?
How long, before I lose myself?

I’m alone. Trapped in the confines of my mind.
How long till I go crazy?
How long till my own thoughts conquer me, drive me insane?
How long, till I become a living corpse?

People. Opinions. Suggestions.
They disconcert me, confound me.
I’m stuck.
Stuck in a deep abyss with nowhere to go. Everything is flickering, everything is obscure and blurry.
How long until they start fading?
How long until I lose my vision?

These shackles.
They hurt.
They unnerve me.
They make me anxious.
They frighten me.
Is this the end?
Have I lost myself?
Lost everything I once admired?
Once loved?
Do these scars imply that I’m broken? That I’ve given up?

I look at these scars.
See the cuts gashed onto my skin with traces of glistening blood;
The bruises.
And laugh.
I see them as the symbol of my unnerving strength.
I see the probability of happier times in them assorted with the happy memories of the past.
And suddenly, I feel my vision getting transparent. I can see things clearly. The hazy edges around my eyes disappear.
I see a doorway.
It is chained.
Instantaneously, I feel something in the palm of my hand.
It is a key.
I open the door to see a blinding flash of light that fills me up with a new hope, a bout of astounding optimism.

How long until I rediscover myself?

-Alisha

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